CrankyMcCrankCrank

Guess Who Part II

2009-07-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

My moron neighbor has continued to bring me great amusement.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put 2 stroke (mix of oil and gas) fuel into a four stroke motor? I always have. Thanks to Cap'n Stupid I now know.

He's right there in the middle of that huge cloud of blue smoke. Now the best part is that my son and I were outside watching the free show and laughing. Cap'n Stupid turned the mower off and when the smoke cleared he was looking right at the two of us laughing our asses off. You could just see the total embarrassment on his face. At that point my 7 year old son said "It just never gets old does it dad?"

No son it doesn't.

Ever.

Grammar

2009-03-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid my grandfather used to correct everyone’s grammar, and then he’d say “I gonna go up the hill” So I come from a long line of grammatical hypocrites. With all that said, I’ve got a couple pet peeves.

1. Supposbly
2. Seen

As in “Supposbly he went that way, but I seen him go that way”. Now it’s bad enough when I see some shirtless hillbilly on cops talk like that, but when I hear well educated and otherwise intelligent people talk like this it make my blood boil. Listen people it’s SUPPOSEDLY and SAW.

That is all.

Guess Who?

2009-02-26T14:15:00.000-08:00

Just about a year ago I wrote this:
http://crankymccrankcrank.blogspot.com/2008/01/californians.html

Today I saw something that I thought I should post as something of an update.

As I was approaching the intersection of Highway 95 and Old Highway 95 I saw a white Dodge 1/2 ton do a perfect power slide from the north bound lane through the south bound lane ending up backwards in the ditch facing the road.

My first reaction was "whoa that coulda been ugly" As I pulled up I decided I should get a quick pic of the truck. After I rolled my window down and started taking a picture I noticed that I recognized both the driver and the truck. Yup. Stupid Californian neighbor.

We made eye contact as I snapped these pictures and laughed my ass off.

Now you would think that after the last several years he'd have managed to figure out how to drive in the snow. When he went past the intersection (Sideways) he was still doing close to 60mph. Now I'm not physicist, but I'd bet the whole staying on the road thing would work a whole heaping helping better if you just SLOWED THE FUCK DOWN. ASSHAT!

Orange Peeler

2009-02-24T20:13:00.001-08:00

I hate to throw my old man under the bus buuuuuuut.

The year was about 1980 or so. I was getting bigger and my old man thought it would be a good time to upgrade me from the big wheel to a bike. Seemed like a good idea to me to. Anyway for my birthday my old man bought me a brand new bike. These were basically Schwinn's that were out of fashion so in order to move the remaining inventory they sold these things through Schucks auto parts stores.

Not mine...just like it though.

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful piece of shit, but honestly this was a style of bike that was popular about 10 years before he brought it home. All the cool kids had BMX bikes with the rad fiberglass mag wheels, chrome moly frames, and real brakes. I think the Orange Peeler even came with tassles on the handlebars. Yeah gaaaaaaaaay! At any rate I rode this thing around for a few years even with banana seat and ape hangers. At some point the gooseneck lost all ability to hold onto the handlebars and it got to the point where I couldn't ride it any more. So I saved my hard earned money from my paper route and bought my OWN damn bike

Now as bad as My bike was. Lemme tell you about my little sisters bike.

World class piece of shit. Seriously her bike redefined the meaning of piece of shit.

Her's was called "Denim Days" I'm pretty sure my old man bought it at Schucks too. Don't know when it was decided that the hot place to buy your kid a bike was Schucks but I digress. Back to my sisters bike. The whole thing was painted to look like a pair of jeans. That wasn't the worst part. It had a hard plastic seat, AND solid plastic tires. Think that through for a second.

Didja figure it out?

No suspension, none. Damn thing rode like an old buckboard wagon. My favorite memory of my sisters bike was the day the front wheel fell off. My cousin Randy was living with us at the time and he was hanging out watching us ride our bikes. My sister was tooling along and all the sudden the front wheel. Just. Fell. Off. There was a brief shower of sparks as the forks came down on the ground. It looked like she was going to be able to hold the thing upright until it came to a stop, but at the last minute she had a mouth full of pavement. It was really hard to feel any sympathy for my sister because the whole shower of sparks thing was COOL. I secretly wished she could some how do it again. I mean sparks. It was awesome.

Ahhhh memories. Thanks dad. Sorry about the bus and all. Shoulda bought us cooler bikes.

An Offer

2009-02-03T21:32:00.001-08:00

Alright, so I bought the boy a used Chinese four wheeler. Got it cheap because it doesn't run. I still don't have it running, but I will sooner or later get it firing on all 1 cylinders. Here's the thing. Whenever you get a product from a country where English isn't a strong point you sorta expect somethings to be lost in translation. First lemme share with you what's wrong. Then I'll explain my offer.

Um, an "Explored" view? Pretty sure you meant an "Exploded" view...

1. Washer? So what it washes something?
2. Slooted?

3. Flandle bar.

4. Held down by the handle bar clamp I sure.

5. Stanter switch? WTF is that?

6. Foot pedal? Hey this thing has a motor, what is the foot pedal for?

7. Gas tank cap? Well when you see the picture it'll make sense as to why they felt they needed to explain what it was.

6. See the foot pedal? Yeah me neither

7. Does that look ANYTHING like a gas cap? Seriously who does these illustrations?

8. An Electrical Hardness? What's that?

9. A belt? Since when is that an electical part?

10. A sleeve bush? Um you mean bushing right?

11. Carhuretor? Oh right that's the thing what puts the gas in the motor or something?

12. A picture of the owners manual? What good is that exactly?

So here's my very generous offer. If you own a factory in China that makes things and you need someone to write your owners manual. I. Am. Your. Man. Seriously, I'll do it cheap. Better yet you can hire me to do the illustrations to. Pretty sure I can do better.

<<>>

Been fooling around with this thing for over a month. I've gotten it running pretty good at this point. The valves were waaaay out of spec and the carb needed some serious adjustment, but it fires up and runs pretty good now. I've got some electrical issues to work out with the kill switch (critical) other wise it's ready to put back together.

Gubmint In Action

2008-12-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

You know what the government (be it local, state, or federal) does?

Nothing.

Government isn't in the business of solving problems. If problems got solved they'd all be out of a job. What is far better is the appearance of solving a problem. As long as it LOOKS like something is being done everyone is happy.

Case in point...

See I was planning on taking my gun and heading on down to the local school and selling some weed. Then I saw this sign and thought, "whoa better not".

Lemme ask you this. If signs kept people from breaking laws then why don't you see signs in front of houses that say "Burglary Free Zone"? Or "Rape Free Zone"? Because we all know that the burglar and rapist already know they're breaking the law, and a sign just isn't going to stop them.

My other favorite sign?

So what the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Slow down? look more closely? Honestly I don't WANT to hit deer, it's just that they're stupid and haven't figured out that staying out of the road is a good idea. Hell I've seen dogs wait for traffic to clear, they figured it out for crying out loud.

Digital TV Transition

2008-12-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

So did you know that on 2/17/2009 the whole world is going to end.

http://www.dtv.gov/

When did TV get lumped into the things that are required to live?

Maybe you don't know but here's a quick list of things you NEED to survive.

1. Air
2. Water
3. Food

In that order.

Depending on climate you may also need some shelter of course, but in some parts of the world even that is subject to debate.

You'll notice that the one thing you don't NEED is TV. Yet our goverment has spent...no wait...WASTED millions and millions of dollars informing the ignorant masses about this soon to come calamity. I'm sure that come 2/18/2009 when your aunt Clara turns her television on and she can't watch the latest episode of her favorite soap opera she'll live. No really trust me. She won't die right there on the couch when she can't watch a gay guy smooch all over a hot actress.

Next, not only has our government wasted money telling us about this tragedy unfolding before us. Nope they're offering a coupon.

https://www.dtv2009.gov/

See you'll be needing a converter box if you'd like to continue watching your crap network television. So you won't be out the entire cost they'll be giving you a little cash. Not enough to actually BUY a converter, just enough to offset some of the cost. They're not giving you cash so much as they're giving you YOUR cash back, minus of course a a piece of the action. If'n they'd just let you keep your money in the first place you probably could have bought the converter outright.

Cell Phone Asshat

2008-11-26T21:57:00.001-08:00

I went out for dinner today. Not a four course five star meal, but not McDonalds either. This place had menus and a wait staff otay?

This dumb bitch didn't just make a call so the rest of us could enjoy it...

Nope it wasn't even that she used her phone in SPEAKERPHONE mode.

Naw.

It was the fact that she was checking voicemail while in speakerphone.

And the best part? She had messages that were four days old.

Look if you were important enough to make the call and interupt all of OUR meals that would be one thing. But checking voicemails from Sunday? If that WAS an important message you are like I dunno DAYS late!

TurdFurky

2008-11-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

Ever meet a vegetarian that didn't believe in evolution?

Nope, never happen. I'm not going down intelligent design VS evolution path today, but I would like to ask a question. If man was not intended to eat meat then why do we have meat eatin' teeth at the front of our heads? If we were meant to eat nothing but vegtable matter, then we'd have teeth like a cow.

Cows are tasty...wait sorry focus, focus.

But this post isn't about eating meat VS vegetarians either. Nope this is about Tofurky. Yeah you read that right. It's a turkey substitute made out of tofu.

Um...doesn't look like ANY turkey I've EVER eaten. In fact if I could be so blunt, it looks like a big brown turd. Lets see.

Drumstick, no
Wing, no
Thigh, no
Breastacular breatisis, no
Crispy tasty skin, no

Yeah ok I'm sure, that's not a turkey. No it's a lump of tastless tofu with some color and "flavor" added to make it look and supposedly taste like a turkey. Seriously can I ask a question? What the fuck is wrong with eating turkey? I'd rather take my chances with whatever the turkey has been put through than what a lump of tofu this size is gonna put my lower GI through. Honestly, what are the chances that I'm going to have a class 8 monsoon come out of my ass the next day?

But it gets better, no really BETTER.

Just to make sure you didn't miss out on any of the holiday traditions they took the time to stuff this thing with um...stuffing?

Sorry I was wrong to compare the Tofurky to a turd, right general area, wrong generalization. No, the stuffing is the turd, the Tofurky is the leather cheerio, cinnamon ring, what ever you call it.

Nasty.

Not So Good Samaritans

2008-11-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

Let me set the scene here.

Last night at just before 10pm I was heaB?g in to the office to work my second 10 hour shift of the day. I was driving west on Trent in Spokane. As I got to the Sullivan Road interchange a car coming towards me flashed it's high beams. As I'm thinking "Fuck you asshole I don't have my highs on" I notice a car jammed up against the crash barrier on the overpass abutment. It’s facing east and the whole front end is heavily damaged. The car is completely dark, no lights on and under the overpass it’s dark as hell.

There’s no one around…

There’s a fair amount of traffic heading in both directions, but no one’s stopped at what is obviously a pretty bad wreck. After I went under the overpass I pulled a U turn as soon as I could and headed back. I pulled my truck over to the right shoulder, turned my emergency flashers on and grabbed my flashlight. As soon as I put some light on the interior of the car it was obvious that there WAS someone in the car. There was a break in traffic so I headed over to check on the driver. As I got up to the car and asked her if she was ok I noticed just how exposed the back end of her car was, and just how exposed I was. The back end of her car was hanging into the left lane by a good couple three feet.

No one slowed down…

No one moved over to the outside lane…

I told the driver “Look if you’re ok we need to get you out of this car and off to some place safer, your car’s hanging out in traffic and I don’t want to see you get hit again”. She says she called her dad and he’s on his way. Ok fine I think, but you’ve got to get the fuck outta that car. About this time two other cars pulled up. One in front of my truck, the other on the west bound side. The woman in the car on the westbound side asked if there as anyone in the car, I replied in the affirmative and she said “I called 911 like 5 minutes ago”.

Nice.

You called 911 5 minutes ago and you couldn’t be bothered to come check on the driB۶er?

This girl has been sitting here in the middle of 55mph traffic for 5 minutes and NO ONE stopped to help?

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Seriously, what if it was you? What if she’d been hurt bad and could have used some first aid?

Quote from one of my favorite movies: Boondock Saints

“Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.”

Ok back to the story…

The car that had pulled in front of my truck was the girl’s parents. The father comes up to me on the drivers side and asks his daughter if she’s ok. Again she says she is. I told him “Look we’ve got to get her out of this car before she gets hit”. As if to illustrate my point at that exact moment a semi-truck doing 55-60 flies by inches off her bumper. It was close enough that I jumped over the barricade to the other side, to keep from getting hit. The father agrees and tells her to get out on the passenger side NOW! Her mother helps her and her dog get out of the car and they make their way to their car.

About that time the fire department shows up and blocks both east bound lanes, law dogs aren’t far behind. Since the cavalry has showed up I’m not needed any more and I get in my truck and split.

I thought about it all night long. What the hell is wrong with the world today? Simple, people just don’t give a fuck about one another any more. You can take all that world peace bullshit and shove it deep up your cinnamon ring. That flat isn’t going to happen until people start caring about the people around them. Even strangers. You know that whole “Think globally, act locally” thing?

One last thing.

For everyone of you sons of bitches who drove right by that wreck on the night of 11/12 at Sullivan and Trent. FUCK YOU!

Goth Kids

2008-11-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

You stupid bastards. Have you got any idea how tired the whole "Goth" thing is.

Lemme tell you sumpin'

Lets you and me hop in my time machine....

wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DING

1987

My freshman year in highschool. Bit of a shock for me, I went from a school where I knew EVERYONE to a school where I was just one of literally thousands. One of my first days that september I saw these strange looking critters walking around.

They wore all black clothes, assloads of white powder on their faces and shitpots of eyeliner. Most of them wore shoes that looked like they belonged on elves...you've probably seen them. Goth right? Well except we called them "Batcavers". They were all devoid of any kind of personality, filled with angst I suppose. Hung out with no one except other batcavers. Lonely by design. Then again that was probably the point. Hard to be angst filled and lonely when you actually interact with people.

My point is this. Today I was at the grocery store and I see this teenage girl all decked out in her goth shit...err sorry batcaver shit. Acting all angsty. I know being a teenager ain't the easiest thing in the world, lord knows it ain't all cupcakes and ice cream. But once you start down the whole goth/batcaver road it gets harder you fuckhead. Now you're hanging out with a bunch of other angst filled lonely bastards. You'd think you'd feel better what with being part of a "community" or something, but no, your suffering will only feed off of everyone elses. Annnnnnd it's not fresh, you're not doing something to be different, because if you were paying attention my interaction with batcavers goes back like what over 20 years?

It's nothing new.

If you all want to go old school might I suggest Flashdance. Seriously, rent it. That shit was hot. If that's not your style, how about modeling your fashions after Pat Benatar. It's all about as fresh as your teen angst goth bullshit.

Of Me and Mice

2008-11-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

First the back story:

When I was a kid (early teens) my folks had a place that was INFESTED with rats and mice. Nice neighborhood and a decent house ON the water. I'm not talking ghetto, but I'm also willing to admit that this was an older house of questionable quality.

This place didn't have a little rodent problem. I'm not talking about the occasional sighting of a critter in the kitchen.

No, lemme lay it out for you in all it's glorious detail.

Rats scampering around in the walls...check
Rats fighting in the space between the drop ceiling and the floor joists above...check
Rats running over the end of my bed WHILE I slept in it...check

And the kicker? The industrious little bastards managed to move 250#'s of dog food from a container outside the house to an interior wall 40' away and a full story below.

With all that said I don't have an irrational fear of rodents. I hate them, and not just a little bit.

Over the years I've had one or two mice that have called my shop home. I'm not unreasonable, it's impossible to keep mice out of a building like this and I understand that. A couple years ago I noticed an increase in mouse type activity. So I bought an "ultrasonic" pest eliminator thing. Yeah I know I was skeptical too. At first it appeared to work, but then they seemed to become immune to the powers of the ultrasonic sound waves.

Then this year the sons of bitches decided that they were gonna just start taunting me. As I was working in the shop one night I watched a full on parade of mice behind my stove. So I moved the ultrasonic device directly behind my stove. They had a party running over the top of it in front of me.

I was PISSED.

Only one solution of course.

They had to die.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I don't do things half assed, or in moderation. If I'm gonna do something I go all in.

They ALL had to die, and this is a war. Git sum.

So I got some traps and started killing mice. I was getting two kills a day like clockwork, using the usual snap traps. I also bought some sticky traps. Now lemme tell you something. While the snap traps are effective with the right bait...the sticky traps are lethal. I love these things. They are if put in the right place absolute killing machines.

"Do you ever kill women and children"
"Sometimes"
"How do you kill women and children?"
"Easy, you just don't lead 'em so much, ain't war hell?"

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2008-10-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

Moved this to: http://man-cookin.blogspot.com/2009/04/winner-winner-chicken-dinner.html

Sooo Who's The Sick Son Of A Bitch...

2008-09-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

Who designed my wifes new shampoo bottle? Seriously lemme run down all that's wrong with this thing:
1. Enjoy?
2. Pink
3. It um I dunno LOOKS LIKE A SEX TOY?

Now understand I didn't go to design school, but I like to think I've got a pretty good eye for design. I KNOW what I'm looking at here. I'm looking at some jackass's idea of a practical joke. Now I like a good practical joke just as much as the next guy, but what blows my mind is that someone actually pulled this off. Can you imagine the design meeting where this was presented. I'm sure there was more than one option on the table but THIS was the one they settled on? I'm picturing some cat sitting there with his design among the many choices just choking back the laughter as each of the people in the room handles his um "bottle".

Solid work sir solid work.

Rock Is Dead!

2008-09-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

How do you know when you've jumped the rock and roll shark? Well I dunno AARP as your tour sponsor is a pretty good start.

Now I've got a "Foreigner" confession. Last week me and the wife were in the grocery store and there was a song on the P.A. that sounded REALLY familiar. Kinda bothered me it was being sung by a chick and I just knew that it was originally done by a dude. Got in my head a bit. I spent all day trying to place it. About 5 hours later it came to me. You guessed it it was a Foreigner song. A couple days later on my way to work I saw the billboard advertising this show at the local casino.

Pink Taco

2008-09-18T22:01:00.001-07:00

So TacoBell has a new taco called the "Volcano Taco"

Annnnnd nobody thought a pink taco was a bad idea?

It's too bad you can't order it as a fish taco.

Chipmunks

2008-09-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about Alvin and his singing brothers.

I'm talking about real life chipmunks.

Nothing makes as much noise going through the woods as a wee little chipmunk.

Last year I was sitting in the woods during elk season everything is stone quiet...and I hear what sounds like a big ol' bull coming through the trees.

Heart rate up, vision narrows...safety clicks off...rifle up.

Wait for it.

AWWWWWW shit, it's a chipmunk.

Today I was cutting firewood right smack dab in the middle of a huckleberry patch, sweating like a redneck learning how to read. I spent the whole day kind of on edge because a berry patch in the fall is like a bear cafe. I tripped a tree, bucked it out into 4' logs and shut the saw off. Here I am humping logs up to the truck and I hear something behind me.

It's big...

In my mind I'm seeing a big black bear sow and a couple cubs. I set the log down nice and slow. Undo the strap on my gun and slowly turn around. Ready for an epic fight to the death.

It's a fucking chipmunk.

Wheeler Ride Number 2

2008-09-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

Moving this post over to my new ATV page.

http://idahoatv.blogspot.com/

There will be lots over there shortly. I promise.

Open Mouf Insert Foot

2008-09-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm tastes good.

Lemme explain.

I worked nights all last week. The conference bridge we used every night was hosted by somebody else every night.

Night three is going pretty good, I'm awake (it always takes a couple nights to get into the swing of things) , the work is going smoothly for a change and everything is good.

Now when I got on the call the guy running the call introduced himself as "Sean". Alright no biggy his English is a bit rough but he that's par for the course anymore, I'm dam..er DANG near fluent in about 40 different languages by this point in my life.

Dang

Say it with me one more time

Daaaaang

Alright so about halfway through the nights work the guy from Tacoma says something about an outage in the Moses Hole area and when I run over to check alarms I say DAAAAAAANG.

Sean say "Yeah?"

I said oh nothing it's not related to the work WE'RE doing, but I'm gonna have to make a couple calls and find out what's going on.

This is just one example of how I used the word "dang". I'll bet I used it 20+ times over the course of the night shift. Every time I did Sean would say "Yeah?".

You see where this is headed yet?

"Sean" sent an email out after the nights activities with the status of our work...his name...is...Dang.

Damn

Oh this foot tastes good.

My Blister and Botherinlaw

2008-07-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.hbkern.blogspot.com/ Hey look the Kerns finally got with the program.

Check it out. A little warning though: For some reason (and I don't know why) my sister musta missed the gene that tells her to stay the fuck off of steep rocks.

I'm not afraid of heights, but I don't go looking for tall shit to climb either.

I guess I got the "I go fast gene" and she got the "I climb tall shit" gene.

Smelling Like A Whore

2008-07-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

Why the hell is this so hard to understand.

I DON'T WANT TO SMELL LIKE A WHORE!

Unscented deodorant=happiness

Every other scent=whore

Call it what you want: Powder Fresh, Hot Action, SaharaCamelSweat. It all smells like cheap ass dollar store whore perfume to me.

See the whole point of deodorant is that I DON'T want to stink. At all. Not like BO, not like ass and popcorn shrimp, and certainly not like WHORE.

So why is it so damned hard to find unscented deodorant? I'm not the only one am I? The thing that really pisses me off is I'll find an unscented brand at the store I'll use it for a couple years and then...POW MAGIC...it's all gone. Then I've got to spend 20 minutes in the pit stick aisle looking through a technicolor wall of mens and womens deodorants looking for one, just one, that doesn't smell like whore.

While I'm going off on smelling like a whore. Here's a few handy tips about body spray for you younger guys.

1. It smells like whore.
2. You really don't need to use that much.
3. One day you're going to realize it smells like whore.
4. Hatchet, or Maul, or whatever it's called won't by itself get you laid.
5. Any chick who would screw you based on your body spray is just responding to the chemical signals your sending her, mainly that you're a whore. She's a whore too, hence the attraction.

DMV

2008-07-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah this should be easy right. I mean who doesn't hate going to the DMV.

Well until last week I didn't.

One of the great advantages of Idaho is our DMV. The people who work there are NOT the usual surly, unhelpful, just plain mean spirited folks who usually work at the DMV. Generally going to the DMV is a simple in and out, badda bing badda boom kinda thing.

Not last week.

My drivers license was due to expire in just a couple days and I wanted to take care of it. I took off from work at 15:00 and headed for the DMV. I walked in the door and it was PACKED with people. Standing room only and just barely at that. While it was over 100 degrees outside it was hotter inside.

Complaint #1: The AC was broken.

I took a number tag and looked at the number monitor. I had number 45 and they were on 20...not good. I hung around for probably 30 minutes and they hadn't called a single number yet. So I took off for the bank so I could get some cash to replace what I was going to need for my new license.

Complaint #2Why in this day and age the DMV won't take a credit card, or a check is beyond me.

I walked the 6 blocks or so to the bank and back, walked in the door and checked the number monitor...they were now on number 21. Great, it's now 16:00 and they close at 17:30. Pretty good chance I'm not getting a new license today. Oh well I resigned myself to sit and wait and see how things turned out.

While I stood there watching the DMV operations I noticed that they were seriously understaffed. Ordinarily there are six people working, today there were three, and one of them keeps going off to her office to take care of important DMV business. In other words they're WAY understaffed.

Complaint#3 Who the hell allowed half the staff to take a vacation day all at the same time?

Now the good news, because of the long wait several people had taken off so we moved through the 30's pretty quick. I finally heard my number called and the process of getting a new license got started. It was now 17:00.

All total it took me 3 1/2 hours to get a new drivers license. In the past this has been something like a 15 minute process start to finish. 3+ hours of my life I won't get back.

So to the Idaho DMV in Kootenai County...if you want something from me...take a number and I'll get to it in about 3 1/2 hours.

My Friend Gene

2008-07-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

I met Gene at the boat launch. He was coming in after a night of crappie fishing (an addiction I can thank him for) and I was just going out for some Kokanee. He gave me his number and told me if I ever wanted to go out he was looking for someone to fish with.

Over the years I've fished with Gene a bunch. He's the only guy I know who I can count on for a 3am launch. He's always up for a day spent on the boat. He's like me a perpetual optimist. The next cast...the next troll...this hour...whatever.

But this isn't about Gene and his fishing. This is about Gene and pissing. That's right I said pissing.

When I met Gene at that boat launch all those years ago, the boat launch at the Twin Lakes Channel was pretty primative. The launch itself was steep, and the bathroom was HORRIBLE. Idaho fish and game owned the boat launch, and not long after we made friends they upgraded the bathroom. They tore the old one out, and in it's place was left a fantastic precast concrete beauty. Then fish and game decided that they no longer wanted to maintain the Twin Lake Channel launch. So a deal was struck with Kootenai County. Apparently the bathroom wasn't part of the deal...which brings us to the meat of the story.

Gene and I had been out fishing since way before daylight. The fishing was damn good. We had a bunch of nice fish in the cooler and headed for the launch at about 10am. As I was pulling my boat up to the dock Gene says "I gotta piss...bad". I said, "Well you gotta hold it old man because the bathroom is gone (in the transition between F&G and the county the bathroom had been removed). Gene said "Well fuck 'em I gotta piss". He gets out of my boat and heads for the parking lot. Then to my suprise he does something that makes me laugh to this day. Right there in the middle of the parking lot he whips out his junk and starts pissing. Right there in front of god and everybody.

I. Couldn't. Stop. Laughing.

I tied up my boat and headed for my truck. As I walked past him he was zipping up his pants, and he said "Good thing I didn't need to shit".

You can't make this shit up.

Can't wait to be an "old man" so I can just piss in parking lots and get away with it.

More Bad Neighbors

2008-06-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

06:25.

Five minutes before my alarm clock is supposed to go off. You know that last 5 minutes of sleep that are for some reason "magical". The last 5 minutes of sleep which for some reason are the best 5 minutes of sleep EVERY night.

My dogs are going batshit crazy at the perimeter wire.

They're doing their job, letting me know we've got interlopers.

I stick my head out the door and what do I see. Yeah the same three dogs from down the road out running around like a pack of wolves. This is yet another fascinating aspect of Californians moving into a rural area. You can't for a second expect me to believe that they just let their dogs run wild in their old neighborhood in LA. Nope I'd bet you a weeks pay they kept them in their nice neat little suburban back yard.

No they get a little acreage and figure they are now living on the Bonanza Ranch. They fancy themselves as some modern day reincarnation of little Joe. So they just turn their dogs loose. Let them run wild all over the place. Crapping in everyone elses yards, working every dog on the street who is fenced in into a frothy frenzy, thus waking everyone in a 5 mile radius up.

Now to be fair it's a whole lot more expensive to fence off 5 acres than it was to fence off their neat little suburban backyard back in LA. But that's part of country living. Baring a fence, how about trying a chain. I mean it's a tried and true way to keep Renegade, Striker, Shadow, or what the hell ever you call your mongrel in YOUR yard.

Clark Jungle Hammocks

2008-06-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Hey look a second postive post... dang.

Alright so as I've gotten older the joy of camping has been dampened somewhat by the fact that I just can't sleep on the ground like I used to be able to. Undoubtably it's got something to do with the aging process but my shoulders, and hips just can't take it any more. I end up waking up with both hands stone cold numb and my hips feeling like I just got done doing a couple rounds with a world class kick boxer.

Enter the camping hammock.

http://www.junglehammock.com/

Now there are literally TONS of different hammocks and each has their benefits. I made a DIY one last year out of an old bedsheet that I strung up in my shop. After watching several episodes of Dogfights I was sold. I did a boat load of research and settled on buying one from Clark. It looked to be the best all around solution.

There are a few things to keep in mind with hammock camping, first you MUST insulate the bottom of the hammock with something. The Clark includes pockets for stuffing clothes etc for insulation. The other thing is that you've got to practice setting it up. You don't want to set out on an epic outing and discover you can't get it set up correctly to sleep in comfort.

Over the course of this last winter I set it up 10-15 times out in the shop. When ever I worked a night shift I would set it up and sleep out in the shop (away from all the noise of my house). The first time I set it up I ran my wood stove wide open and held the overday temps to 60+ degrees. As I got more and more comfortable with the system as a whole I reduced my temps to the point where I was no longer running my stove at all. At this point ambient temps in my shop were generally lower than 30 degrees. There were only two things I couldn't test in the shop. First wind, obviously although it was cold I was indoors. Second I couldn't test it in real trees. Even with those two variables I felt I was ready to commit to my hammock.

Last week I spent two nights in my Clark Hammock in below freezing, wind blowing, snow falling weather. In other words the worst kind of camping you'll ordinarily find. I'm proud to say I had two of the best nights of sleep EVER. Indoors or out. I climbed in, put my head down and woke up the next morning. No tossing and turning to find a comfortable way to sleep. Not cold. Not wet. In other words AWESOME.

Noisy Neighbors

2008-06-15T22:27:00.001-07:00

I live in a pretty rural area. So it's not like I'm right on top of my neighbors.

I get the fact that my neighbor to the one side likes to have a lot of fun. I get the fact that they can't for some reason use normal conversational tones after say 9pm. I get the fact that it's almost a month away from the Fourth of July and they're already touching off fireworks. All of that is part of normal life. Hell at least they have good taste in fireworks. The more they spend the less I have to. What I don't get is why they seem to think it's ok to sit in the driveway and honk their fucking horn over and over until the kids come out. Listen jackass. It's not dark yet that's a part of living this far north. But it IS late so instead of jamming on the horn for a couple minutes why don't you get off your fat ass and head in the house to see what's taking the kids so long? Would that be so damned hard?

Oh and for those of you keeping track at home...yes they are Californians. Not the ones who get stuck in the driveway but they're all cut from the same moron cloth.

Heavy Metal Stupidity

2008-05-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be a pretty up to date kind of guy when it comes to rock and roll. Specifically I've kept my hands on the pulse of metal ever since I was a kid. I was listening to Metallica before they were cool. Hell I was down with Metallica BEFORE they cut a music video (It was "One" for those keeping track at home). So anyway fast forward to 2008. I turn the TV on one Saturday night just to see what's on Headbangers Ball these days.

Jesus you kids disappoint me.

Ok let's break down a couple complaints.

Growling into the mic: Yeah it's not new, and it's not fresh. Go check out the discography of a band called Napalm Death. They were doing this shit like 15 years ago. Soooooo how about trying something new huh?

Scary shit: Ok this whole "scary" thing goes all the way back to Black Sabbath. It's run it's course. Seriously. I think the scary shit pretty much peaked out about 10+ years ago. Your not so obscure references to Satan just don't scare me...work on it.

Make Up: Alright, kiddies. Go check out KISS. Yeah it turns out they were doing makeup back in the 1970's. By the time Reagan was president even KISS had given up on it. Of course that was a mistake because nobody wanted to see KISS minus the makeup. But I digress. If your music won't stand on it's own then do us all a favor. Stop. Playing. Seriously we don't need another band with a butt load of makeup.

The bottom line is that the whole "Metal Scene" has gotten pretty damn stale. You all wouldn't know new if it jumped up and bit you in the balls.

RanchHand Bumper

2008-04-08T03:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a different kind of rant for once. It's going to be positive.

I installed this bumper on my truck not long after I bought it. There were several reasons not the least of which was my uncanny ability to hit deer. I've hit ALOT of deer, over the years. Mostly as a result of my generally odd work hours that have me traveling at all hours of the night. Until I bought this bumper I had probably hit over 10 deer in a 15 year period. For the most part they were slight grazes and didn't really damage my trucks much. I knew however that my luck was probably running out.

I bought and installed this bumper some time in 2000. For some odd reason I didn't hit a single deer for quite a while. Didn't even have a close call. I was starting to think maybe it made a whistle or whine that the critters didn't like.

I was wrong.

Tonight I hit yet another deer. Right smack dab in the middle of my front bumper at about 60 mph. I've honestly lost track of how many I've hit lets just say it's "several". Tonights victim ran out in front of me at a full gallop. No where for me to go, no time to hit the brakes. Just a nice dull thud. She didn't stand a chance.

The best part is that aside from a boatload of hair and meat splattered down the undercarriage of my truck there is zero as in NO damage to my truck.

RanchHand bumpers ROCK!

Marriage Friendly Communities

2008-03-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

I for one am sure glad to see this:

http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/

I mean just last week me and the wife were talking about how unfriendly people have gotten towards us married types. I'm telling you this is a real load off me mind.

Ok you say so what...here's what: "Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant:90FE0102/1."

Yeah so remember the next time you look at your paycheck and wonder where all those tax dollars are going, they're being spent on nonsense like this.

I'm going to go through this page in a bit more detail.

First up P.I.C.K a Partner: http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/PICK_partner.htm

Right off the bat notice the attention paid to not picking a "Jerk" versus the last minute addition of "Jerkette". I mean look this guy is out on a date and his boss calls him with some important last minute information for the big meeting tommorow morning. She's flipped the bitch switch already. How the hell does she think he earns the money he's gonna use to pay for the meal and the sleezy hotel?

Next we have 10 Great dates: http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/10_great_dates.htm

"We’ll start you on the “dating road” with our 10 Great Dates DVD presentations and book. All of our 10 Great Dates resources have been designed to go together and each has a different slant. The real growth from these DVD presentations is actually what you do afterwards. It takes three weeks to make a new habit and six weeks to feel good about it-- join us for the next training."

So you're going to give me a book and a DVD that basically says I should take my wife out for a dinner date once a week. Man couldn't you have just come right out and said that...but there's more.

The restaurant partners are as follows
Red Robin
Denney's
O' Doherty's
Mustard Seed
Rock City
Wingers
Ferrantes
Luigi's
TGI Fridays

That's only nine there genius, I mean here you are trying to coach me into taking my wife out for 10 dates and you only have 9 restaurants to recommend? Oh and I'm pretty sure my wife isn't going to think me taking her out to Red Robin, Denney's, Wingers or TGI Friday's is romantic. Hell why not add some breastacular wings at Hooters?

Alright now we have Benefits of health marriages:
http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/learn_more_about_marriage.htm

For Women:
Number 1 and 2 are kind of a given I guess. Number 3 well yeah I mean if it doesn't work she gets half your shit. Number 8 see number 3

For Men:
Number 1, yeah just so I can out live HER. Number 3 only holds true until she gets pissed and takes half your shit.

Becoming a Marriage Mentor is next: http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/becoming_marriage_mentor.htm

You know why people become marriage mentors? So after you and your wife leave the mentorship meeting they can have a good laugh at your expense. Actually it's a dudes way of demonstrating to his wife that he's not as big an asshat as she thinks he is. All he needs is an example of someone more messed up than him and he's a freaking saint.

Honestly I can sum it all up without a penny in grant money.
1. Don't cheat
2. Treat your spouse with respect
3. Take off your clothes and dance for him
4. If he hands you a hamburglar costume go with it.
5. Don't spend more than you make

Dang maybe I oughta look into this mentorship thing some more.

Leather Pants

2008-02-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

Some simple rules for wearing leather pants.

1. Are you a rock star?
2. Are you riding a motorcycle?
3. Are you participating in a historical re-creation?

If you can't answer yes to at least one of these then please do us all a favor and don't wear leather pants. You look like an idiot.

Rental Car

2008-02-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

Turn the key.

Starter.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Um

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shift into drive

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Wow this thing just hauled ass right up to 15 miles an hours.

SHIFT!!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

25mph

SHIFT!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

30mph

SHIFT!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

35mph

SHIFT!

Seriously this piece of shit sounds like a kid jammed a playing card and a clothesline pin into the fan. FYI the Ford Focus is as rat powered piece of shit.

Hotel HVAC

2008-02-05T21:05:00.001-08:00

Hey, lemme ask you this...

Ever stay in a hotel?

Every wonder about this marvel of the technological age?

Sooooooooo I'd like to have my room at say 65 degrees....

That would be middle range between the red and blue and low heat.

Holy shit, why is my room 350 degrees.

Ok, ok hold on. I'll turn it more to the blue side.

So cold, so sleepy, must take a nap...

Ok, ok, ok, ok, lemme try again.

More to the blue, high heat...

Holy hell, it's like living on the sun.

Alright, so now I'll turn it more to the blue and leave the fan on high.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr FUCK IT's COLD IN HEREThis one thin as hell fuzzy blanket just isn't cutting it, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna pull the jizz stained comforter back up on the bed....

More red more red full power go around.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SHIT IT'S HOT!

So let me cut to the chase, how about just investing in a God Damned thermostat. I'm serious. For what I'm paying a night to stay in this hotel you could probably buy a thermostat for this room and the two rooms on either side. Is it too much to ask to join us in 1973? I mean a thermostat is so Jimmy Fucking Carter!

Fuck it's cold

Yeah, so I was ummmmm RIGHT

2008-01-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080115/NEWS01/301150105

PT Barnum was dead nuts on right...

So was I: http://crankymccrankcrank.blogspot.com/2007/02/make-your-junk-bigger.html

What a surprise.

No not really.

Handicapped Parkers

2008-01-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

First off let me preface this by saying, if you are legitimately handicapped I've got no problem with you parking in the handicapped stalls, this isn't about you...

This is about the ass faces that park in the handicapped stalls who aren't handicapped.

Say grandma is disabled, say the doctor got her a handicapped placard that allows her to park in the handicapped stalls, I'm cool with that. What I'm not cool with is you parking in the handicapped stall and leaving grandma in the car while you do your shopping. Listen you slimy walrus looking lazy bastard. That's not what the placard or the stall is for. Park where every one else does, ooooorrrrr take grandma with you.

If I was a cop I'd cruise parking lots looking for douche nozzles like you and I'd give you a wooden shampoo just for the hell of it, no ticket necessary.

While I'm at it lemme call out my other parking lot pet peeve. The lazy self-absorbed assclowns who seem to think the fire lane in front of the store is there personal parking space. Hey listen up, you can park just like everyone else and walk 40'. You are not special enough to justify a parking space right on the curb. I don't care if you are only running in for one or two things, or gonna be just a couple minutes. Go park where everyone else does, or you're gonna get a wooden shampoo too.

Californians

2008-01-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

Funny thing living here in God's country some of us have a real special hatred of Californian transplants. To the outsider this probably appears to be unjustified and in some (a very small number) cases it is. Here are the problems with the vast majority of them.

1. You sold your 500,000 dollar 2 bedroom shack in Orange county, retired, and moved up here. Then you spent the whole wad of cash in a bidding war with another Californian on a new house . So what you say it's their money. Ok now here's where things get interesting. You see now it's impossible for anyone from here, or still of working age to find a place to live. The retired asshat doesn't really contribute in taxes aside from property taxes, and those just went through the roof because the asshat just paid 500 large for a house that sold three years ago for 150,000.

2. After moving to paradise they ALWAYS want to have a say in growth managment. That is to say, now that they got their piece they don't want anyone else moving in.

3. They ALWAYS lose sight of why they moved here. When they came up on vacation they fell in love with the place because it wasn't just like California. Before you know it though they're complaining about all the things that aren't here, and the next time you turn around there's another Starbucks that just popped up where it wasn't before. When I was a kid we all laughed at the developer that built the new K-mart waaaaaay out in the woods on the outskirts of town. That K-mart is right smack dab in the middle of town 20 years later.

4. Not being able to take care of things yourself or that whole "self-reliance" thing. Now assuming you just laid down 500 large for that sweet house on five acres, are you ready for all the work that "country" living entails. I'm sure you read a bunch of Martha Stewart magazines and got prepared but for crying out loud you do realize she has "people" don't you? She doesn't do all that shit herself.

Case in point:

These people are gunning for "All Time Biggest Californian DoucheBags". They can barely take care of the yard in the summer time and they've got ZERO interest in taking care of their snow in the winter. Last year they had the genius idea of parking on street so that they wouldn't have to plow their driveway. The county plow operator made short work of that crap and RIGHT now. He plowed up a berm of snow four feet high in the front and back of their cars. So this year they upgraded one of the cars for the Dodge that you see stuck in the ditch above. Yeah so that's working out well too.

Now before anyone gets all critical on me, lemme esplain. The first year they moved in some time in November. The first couple times it snowed I went over and plowed them out. No one bothered to come out and say as much as thank you. Then I talked to the old owner and found out they he had left them everything he used to use to clear the snow. Yup I'm done helping those who won't help themselves. Sometime that first summer I ran into the new owner and asked him if he wanted my help putting his plow on his lawn tractor and getting all set up, offered my shop and time, and even offered to show him some pointers on plowing the first time it snowed. He hemmed and hawed and blew me off. So last winter they got stuck numerous times blah blah blah. This winter I approached them and said "hey how about we work something out, I'll plow your driveway for you and you pay a reasonable fee to do so" All I got for my efforts was "We'll consider it".

This right here represents the THIRD time they've had a tow truck out in the last month to get a rig off of the end of the driveway.

Canadian Bacon

2007-12-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Wanna know something...Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham. Look it's a simple matter of looking at where the two products come from. Just because some Canadian took a chunk of tenderloin, cured, smoked and cut it real thin doesn't mean they can call it bacon. Right up until you get to the part about cutting it thin it sure sounds like ham to me.

Weather Reporting On The TV

2007-12-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

In the last week I've seen countless weather reports from "remote" newscasters reporting on snow fall.

Yeah we know. It's happens every damn winter. Lemme explain. When it gets below freezing precipitation tends to come down as either freezing rain, orrrr snow. It piles up, causes roads to get slick, and subsequent wrecks. Snow plows go out and try and keep up with it. Blah blah blah.

We really don't need to see you standing out in the Walmart parking lot, or on a freeway overpass. You see I can look out my window and see it for myself. I can also look out the window and see how much accumulation is occuring. In other words I don't need you, go find some hard hitting news to report on. Seriously, there has to be something more worth my time and yours to talk about.

Snow Driving

2007-11-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well we got our first real snow fall for the year yesterday.

You know what that means...

Wrecks.

Notice I didn't call them accidents, yeah that's because they aren't accidents.

Listen up, there is one and only one solid rule to driving in the snow:
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

Yeah I know you got a 4x4 and it's bitchin' but all that means is that your ass is going to be going all that much faster when you lose it and end up in the ditch.

Rewards Cards/Clubs

2007-06-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

There are very few things that get my blood boiling faster than trying to get through the grocery store while some piece of crap ahead of me in the line spends 10 minutes digging through her purse looking for her rewards card.

Why you ask? She's just trying to save money.

Yeah or is it that the store is screwing the rest of us over because we won't play their little game?

People are suckers. There is some very basic head shrinker crap going on here. People are a social critter and love to feel "included". They give a way these cards because it helps them track purchasing habits by user. The people who clutter up their lives with this garbage get a small discount and get their egos boosted because they're part of a "club" in return.

Bigger yet is this question: What will the store do with the data?

Oh I know they use it to analize what products are paired with what products blah blah blah. But the user data could be used in court to keep a guy from seeing his kids because he's a drunk. It could be used in an attempt to prove you are cooking meth in your trailer. Hell if they ever start taxing fat it could be used to make sure you are providing the gubmint with a clear accounting of all the fat you've consumed for calendar year XXXX.

I'm just waiting for the day that it turns out a store chain did something improper with this data, and jacked up some innocent dude's life. If I had the time and the resources I'd get a card then go to the store every day and buy a bottle of lye, some matches, and some cold medicine. See just how long it takes before that rewards card results in a search warrant.

Stupid Man

2007-05-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

Every notice how often men are portrayed as idiots in advertising and on TV?

Wanna know something.

I can cook.
I can clean.
I can do laundry.
I can take care of my kids.
I can get from point A to B with or with out directions
I can follow instructions if needed.

I don't watch sports 24/7.
I don't turn into a babbling jackass because my wife isn't around.
I don't think with my dick.

I'd sure appreciate it if I could be portrayed as something other than a half wit, helpless turd.

Now it's your turn ladies...

Can you fix it?
Can you build it?

Asian Character Tatoos

2007-05-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

兒童騷擾者

Wanna get some ink done huh? Here's a tip from Cranky. Unless the guy doing the ink actually speaks/writes in asian characters, you are taking a huge gamble. Oh I know he's gonna tell you that the sweet tat you just picked out means "Peace And Love" or something, but chances are just as good that it means "Retarded". Don't leave something as permanent as a tatoo up to Cooter and his interpetation of some symbol from a country he can't even pick out on a globe. Cracks my 'neck ass up everytime I see some dude in cut off jeans and a wife beater shirt with a big ass tatoo that he doesn't know what it says.

Now the worst news. Lets say the artist does REALLY know what it means. Are you 100% sure he wouldn't lie and do something offensive because he knows you'll never figure it out. Honestly what are the chances that you will ever find someone who can read it? Furthermore what are the chances they are going to break the news that your tatoo says that you are a child molester.

Just say no.

Go for that sweet Tasmanian Devil or a dolphin around a rose or something.

OverStock Sales

2007-05-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing, I know better. There is NO way that the mattress store is "overstocked" to the point that "everything must go". Wanna know how I know that? Because inventory control at every business is down to a science it's called JIT (Just In Time) inventory. The people responsible for ordering the bits and pieces don't just order too much inventory. If they did it more than once they'd be looking for a new job most ricky tick.

But these assclowns at the mattress, furniture store, and used car lots are playing on the sucker factor. They want you to think they are overstocked for EVERY SINGLE holiday weekend. What are the odds? Long I says.

Gas Pumps

2007-04-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ok for all you gas station owners I got something thats been pissing me off for a while.

Here's the deal ass bag, fuel is running right around 3 bucks a gallon. That means that in order to fill my truck I've gotta spend about 100 dollars (33 Gallon Tank*3.o2=99.66). So esplain to me why it is that the FUCKING pump SHUTS OFF AT 75 DOLLARS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now I gotta go through swiping my card AGAIN, no wait... two more times because the card reader is a piece of shit.

Now I gotta say no to adding a fucking car wash AGAIN.

Wait for approval AGAIN

So I lift the pump handle, jam it in the filler and start filling up and because my tank wasn't 100% empty I put exactly 2.3 gallons in and it's full

SON OF A BITCH!!!! It would have been a 82 dollar fill up. But NOOOOOOOOO! Now it's a 75 and a 7.

Again why does the pump shut off at 75 bucks, it's a credit card for crying out loud. I could buy a small third world country with the limit I've got on this thing and you can't trust me with more than 75 bucks.

Just a suggestion but what you ought to use for a formula:

Price of fuel=X

X*50=Amount where pump shuts off.

Tailgating

2007-04-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

Time for a physics lesson kids.

My truck weighs betweeen 8,000 and 9,000 pounds on any given day. My rear bumper was replaced with one from http://www.reunel.com/tow_bumper.html

So here's my point: You don't scare me when you ride my ass in your Honda Civic. So back the f*ck off. I'll go as fast as I can, or make a lane change as soon as I can. Tailgating me doesn't motivate me in any way.

Oh and so we're perfectly clear, if you stay back there long enough you're gonna be picking black boogers in a few hours, because the smoke show is about to start. Hope you like the smell of unburnt diesel.

Nappy Headed Hose

2007-04-13T08:03:00.001-07:00

What?

Crossing The Street

2007-04-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

So what the F#ck happened to crossing the street at corners and crosswalks? Am I the only guy who still does this.

Kids crossing the street piss me off the most. I love it when the walk out in the lane and give you that look like "I know you have to stop". Got news for yah kiddies, you may be in the right, but if I don't see you, and run your ass over your gonna be right AND dead! How you like 'dem apples?

Health Insurance VS Car Insurance

2007-04-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Riddle me this?

Why is it that in most states your auto insurance provider cannot dictate what shop you take your car to for repairs...

Buuuuuuuuut

Your health insurance provider can dictate what doctor you go to?

So in what backwards ass world does my car have more rights than I do?

Now your gonna see politicians making a big deal about health insurance in the next couple years (as it's a presidential election cycle). They're gonna blab about "Universal Health Care" which is a code word for "Socialized Medicine". If you aren't hip to how well that works, sit down for a half hour with a Canadian. It blows chunks because naturally any time you get the government involved in ANY thing it gets worse.

I can solve the "Health Care Insurance Crisis" right now, and it won't cost the taxpayers a single thin dime. Make it so I can take my insurance card to any damn doctor I want. There...done.

BedHead

2007-03-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

We've all seen them. The guy who fancies himself a metrosexual (whatever the hell that means) who's got the "I just rolled outta bed" hair style.

WTF?

I know you didn't just roll out of bed and get dressed.

So that means you took a shower and then intentionally made your hair look like that.

Hey why stop there, why not make it look like you are wearing the same clothes you slept in too? If you're gonna go for unkempt slob douchbag look go all out.

Personally I don't trust any guy who spends more than a few minutes on his hair. Nevermind one who spends 10 minutes working to make it look like he didn't do anything with it at all.

Flip Flops

2007-03-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

Here are some good rules to live by when it comes to wearing flip flop sandals.

1. Is it Summer?
2. Is it over 80 degrees?
3. Are you at or headed to the beach or a pool?

Ok if you answered any of those with a no, then you are a disgusting slovenly piece of shi!t. Go borrow 20 bucks from your mom and splurge for some shoes.

I like to catalog demographics, you know if I notice a trend I start paying closer attention. You know what I've noticed about people who wear flip flops in violation of the above rules? They are generally in their 20's, overweight, wearing shorts, and wearing a sports team sweatshirt. In other words a disgusting slovenly piece of shi!t.

Buy some shoes.

Stock Tip Spam

2007-03-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

Again I know spam is an easy target to rant about but what I'm talking about specifically is spam that contains a hot stock tip.

What do you suppose would make me want to take some total stranger's word about a stock I've never heard of that's trading for .05 cents a share? Don't think so.

What I can't figure out is this: If they send out 10 million emails, what percentage of people actually respond by buying the recommended stock? At some point you'd think the rate of return would diminish to the point where it would no longer be profitable.

Nevermind you're gonna burn in hell for sending spam anyway.

Radio Commercials

2007-03-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Do the folks who produce commercials for radio put them in front of any kind of review/focus group?

Most of the commercials I hear on the radio make me want to jam nails in my ears.

Here are a some hard fast rules.

1. I don't want to hear a telephone ringing sound affect. I sit at my desk listening to the phone ring all day. I REALLY don't want to hear it added to a commercial. It gets my attention sure, but I promise I won't use your products if you stoop to using a telephone ringing to get my attention.

2. While we're at it can we please stop with the clipped audio that is supposed to make it sound like you recorded a phone call for your commercial? Dirty little secret but I know you recorded that in a studio and then clipped the audio to remove the highs and lows. It's supposed to add some level of credibility to your commercial, but it smacks of an old time con game to me.

3. Rotation, can you please strive to NOT run the same commercial in EVERY SINGLE commercial break. Funny thing it turns out it's counter productive.

4. Say you've bought a 30 second spot, but you only have 4 seconds of material. Resist the urge to use some gimmick to repeat it 7 times. The most common is to have someone pitch, get interupted pitch again, get interupted, pitch again...you get the idea. If you can't find a way to fill a 30 second spot, don't buy one.

5. Bass line/Background music. Hey wanna know something, an awful lot of us HATE techno, please stop using it. Nothing pisses me off faster than listening to a commercial with what sounds like a techno cover of some bad 70's porn music running in the background.

6. Jingles that don't change. If I can remember your jingle from my childhood, and it hasn't changed, it's time to freshen up that image. 'kay. Oh sure you might want to bring back a 'retro' jingle from time to time that's fine, but if it hasn't changed in 20 years give it up.

7. Check your calendar, seriously. I don't want to hear a commercial that mentions the 'holidays' in say MARCH!

Self-Checkout

2007-03-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Here's what pisses me off about self-checkouts at the store.

WHERE'S MY SAVINGS????

Here's a simplistic view of how a retail business works.

Cost of Product+Cost of handling+Profit Markup=Consumer's Cost

So I can reasonably assume that paying a checker to scan my products and put them in a bag is included in the cost of handling. Right? If I do a checker's job, then the cost of handling is reduced, so where is the reduction in my cost?

I'm doing someone's job. Usually when you do a job you are compensated for your time.

The other major complaint of mine is this: Every single store that I've been in that has the self-checkout area has reduced the numbers of real live bodies doing checker duty. Oh I know, you are trying to train your customers to use the self-checkout area. I'm on to you like white on rice. See I'm the kinda guy who can walk ALLLLLLLLLL the way to the back of the store, pick up some milk and walk ALLLLLLLLLL the way to the checkout line, without getting suckered into purchasing something else.

Until you monkey spanks start paying me to do someone elses job, I'll stand in line behind some chick with 200 dollars worth of ding dongs, and pringles just so I can get my gallon of milk rung up by a real person.

Tweakers VS My Cold Meds

2007-02-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

Odd I know for a blog with CRANK right in the name but you know I've just about had it with tweakers.

Listen up asshat. I know you wanna get high and forget about lifes troubles, but here's the deal. Crank ain't gonna do that. Nope your troubles are just gonna get worse.

No instead the only damn thing you are gonna do is make it so I can't get my )(@#*$()*@#$@# cold meds.

Since perhaps the dawn of time humanity has struggled with the common cold. Through years of effort and some damn good science we had a drug. Pseudoephdrine. Life was good. I used to shop the cold meds by trying to find what ever brand had the highest dose of this miracle of science. Now the crap you can get without an interview with the DEA? Yeah it's got all of 30mg. Nyquil which used to be the bees knees for nighttime relief? Um it's got NONE NOW!

So what you can still get the good stuff from the guy behind the counter, right? Sure how's this gonna turn out...

Guy Behind The Counter: Can I help you sir

Me: Um yeah I want what ever cold medication you've got that has the most Pseudoephdrine.

Guy Behind The Counter: Uhhuh...suuuuuuuure (reaching for his phone)

I'll tell you how it turns out. Everybody within earshot is going to assume I've got a meth problem that's how. If I'm really lucky I'll get some drugs that acutally make me feel better. If I'm not lucky I'm going to get the 9th degree from the local cops.

So for all the tweakers of the world...FU.

Dirty Hippies

2007-02-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

So a question for all you hippy types out there.

What exactly have you done?

No really, name one significant accomplishment that can be credited to hippies. You've had what 30 years right? (cue crickets chirping)

See that's the thing about hippies that pisses me off. It's form over function. Hippies never actually do anything. Oh sure it LOOKS like they're doing something but at the end of they day if you check the scoreboard that's a whole 'nother story.

Didja notice how all those "Free Tibet" bumper stickers have disappeared? Did Tibet become free? Nope. So how come that movement died. Oh oh I know. It's because they moved on to other causes. Typical.

Another thing that is typical is that when hippies have a problem with a policy they never follow up with a suggestion for an alternative solution.

Example:
Nuclear power=Bad because of radioactive waste
Hydroelectric=Bad because of dams
Coal=Bad because of toxic smoke
Wind Power=Kills birds and is ugly

So I guess we should go back to living in log cabins and heating with wood? Oh no wait, nope that won't do either. That would be too wood intensive now wouldn't it.

Billy Mays

2007-02-19T13:12:00.000-08:00

I refuse to buy ANYDAMN thing this douchebag hawks. I honestly don't care if the product works or not. I don't like people yelling at me about how great something is. I also don't like it when it's obvious that they intentionally made a toilet extremely dirty in order to demonstrate their product. Yeah ok so If I was to throw some light weight powders of various colors on my toilet I'll bet Ol Billy Mays that a bit of H2O and a rag would be just as effective as his OxyClean. Not really sure how it is that people like this get elevated to such heights, but I for one am waiting for the scandal involving Mr. Mays. Here's to hoping it involves a dead hooker.

Lawyers

2007-02-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

I know it's easy to paste a target on lawyers and fling poo, but I've started noticing just about everyone seems to be hyper worried about getting sued.

Case in point, have you watched the fine print on car commercials?

You can have a car being driven in a safe and sane manner on what is obviously a public street and yet they feel obligated to say "Professional driver on a closed course under controlled conditions" at the bottom of the screen. Seriously COME ON! What is someone going to try and replicate that, crash and sue? Yeah no I don't think so.

The other extreme I can think of are the ads where they are doing something absolutely impossible and have to make some similar statement. As an examplet the Toyota truck commercial where the Loch Ness Monster eats the truck and then spits it out on the ground with no visible damage. Read the fine print at the bottom and it says something like "Does not demonstrate actual toughness" or some such thing.

The only exception to this insanity that I can think of is that currently there is a Ford commercial running where the car is driving on buildings and they had the sense to say "This is a fantasy obviously cars can't drive on buildings"

It's a good thing I'm not a judge, because the first assclown who showed up with a case where he tried to drive on a building, or let Nessie eat his truck I'd throw the attorney AND the client in the hole for 30 days. Then I'd take every damn asset they both had and give them to who ever they sued.

Make Your Junk Bigger?

2007-02-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

Alright I've gotta say I'm just about sick and F-ing tired of the ads for miracle "all natural" pills, potions, lotions, and spells that are supposed to make my pork sword bigger, or last longer, or...Jesus I don't know.

Does anyone actually ever buy this crap? I guess somebody must or else they wouldn't be in business.

Hey Consumer Reports! I've got a little project for yah. I mean since the FDA can't do a damn thing (it's a supplement stupid) someone ought to step up and test a bunch of these in a double blind survey and publish the results.

Here's my prediction based on years of observation, they won't do a damn thing except lighten your wallet.

Chinese herbal remedies for these sorts of issues have been around for centuries. Hell they've caused the near extictions of several species of animal just so they can dry the schlong, grind it up and make some miracle tea. You'd think if any of those remedies had been successful we'd see Tiger or Rhino farms sprouting up world wide right?

Nevermind I can't imagine actually ordering this garbage. How messed up does your self-image have to be in order to actually pick up the phone and admit your dinky is winky?

Christmas In February

2007-02-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

There are two homes on my commute home which still have their Christmas trees up. One of them even still turns the lights on. Now I like Christmas just as much as the next guy, but it's time to get off your fat ass and take the tree down. Kinda takes the specialness (nice made up word there) out of the celebration if you leave your tree up year round doesn't it?

DayLight Savings

2007-02-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hey dijda know that we've moved the dates we change to Daylight Savings time?

Yeah turns out that we're going to have several more weeks of DST now.

F-me!

For the love of all that is good, how about we just move it forward one year and leave it alone FOREVER.

This has got to be the stupidest waste of time humanity has ever devised.

Over the years I've heard every stupid justification for DST and never have I seen one that can actually be backed up with real scientific facts.

1. FARMING: um yeah tractors have headlights for one, second farmers don't care how long the "working day" is. They work as long as they can as often as they need to. Forget about shutting the tractor off at 5pm and heading home for a nice dinner with the wife and kids.

2. DST SAVES ENERGY: Really? Prove it. All that happens is that the energy usage moves from one end of the day to another. Who's to say that the longer day (I mean sun up to down) in and of itself doesn't contribute to energy savings?

No in the mean time my very carefully balanced wake/sleep cycle gets all jacked up for a couple of weeks twice a year so a bunch of dogooders feel better about themselves. Kinda reminds me of that guy who jousted windmills or some such thing.

Biology Question

2007-02-05T16:17:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I can't sneeze and yawn at the same time, but I can puke, and paint the wall behind me with $h!t? Seriously I want to know why there can't be some sort of biological exception rule. I just got over a weekend long bout with 'Ol Mr Influenza and every time I bow down to puke I'm worried I'm going to stand up and then fall down in the mess my a$$ made.

As if it's not enough to be bent over making some guttural grunting noise and watching yesterday's Eggos come back up. Nope you gotta worry about the dinner from the night before shooting out your leather cheerio to boot.

Bad engineering.

Building Taxes...err permits

2007-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

Let’s stop beating around the bush and call a spade a spade, mkay? These are a tax. It’s that F-ing simple. We could probably increase the tax revenues substantially if we just all agreed that these are a tax. But but but you blubber, if there aren’t any inspections then how are we to know that our home is safe? Um what makes you think it is now? See here’s where the chickens come home to roost. If I pay for a permit and the subsequent inspection and the inspector misses something do I get to hold him or the county accountable? Nope, you’re on your own toots.

Two personal examples:

When I had my shop built I did all the electrical work myself. During the final inspection, I watched as the inspector tested every circuit at floor level to make sure I had installed GFCI’s. Interesting because when I moved into my house my outside outlets didn’t work. They were wired together, but didn’t have any power. I eventually figured out that the reason they didn’t work was because the )(@&*#$(*&@#$ wire that was supposed to feed them was laying on the floor of the crawl space and yes it was HOT! Now how exactly did he test the operation of the GFCI’s on my outside outlets since they weren’t hot? Oh yeah he didn’t he just chatted with the electrician about dart night at Jim’s Pastime Club and then they patted each other on the ass.

Our septic system flat failed one year. The reason it failed was that the drain field went up instead of down from the output of the septic tank. Now I’m not talking about a little bit up I’m talking about FEET not inches. The top of the tank is 3+ feet below grade, the output pipe is another 12 inches below the top the tank. The end of my drain field? It was less than 2 feet below grade? Now accounting for the run that should have been there the end of my drain field should have been more like 4 feet below grade.

Ok so to put this thing to bed, if I can’t hold the county or the inspector responsible for shoddy out of code work then why do the inspection in the first place? We’ll just call it a tax and I’ll cut you a check. Think of the time savings to builders if they don’t have to wait for an inspection at every stage of construction. Oh sure there are builders out there that would then just slap crap homes together, but the market would kill them in short order. Besides there obviously isn’t anything keeping them from doing it now. It’s just that with an inspection you go to sleep every night thinking your house is up to code…it IS up to code isn’t it?

Alton Brothers

2007-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm gonna start with these fellas (http://www.altonstire.com/) and their @#$@#$@#$ radio ads.

If you're going to put a radio ad out make sure that it doesn't annoy the hell out of your customers.

Here's a clue, I don't want to hear metal on metal screeching...EVER!

I don't want to hear your 80 year old grandma tell me what a great kid you are.

I also don't want to hear your 80 year old grandma pronounce asparagus as if the A is silent.

Please no more Sven pitching Gislaved snow tires, I can't understand a word that guy says. It wouldn't suprise me to find out that he had a whole ham sammich crammed in his mouth when that was recorded.

Mission Statement or Whatever

2007-01-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm just gonna rant about the stuff that I deal with every day that pisses me off.

A good deal of it probably only pisses me off, some of it might piss other people off I don't care I'm just venting. Venting makes me feel better.